College admissions is not a game

Our kids chase so many things: an A in this class and that one, a spot on this team, a role in that play. Choose the right top, thrift the right shoes, collect the right number of likes. Even friendships at this age can feel like a scoreboard.

Too often, adding college admissions to the mix only amplifies this stress-inducing way of life. Thinking about college becomes yet another scorecard -- apply to 10, no 15, no 20 colleges; getting into this one gets you ten (imaginary) points, but that one is "better," it's worth twenty.

But here's the thing. College admissions is not a game. There are no points. There's no first or fifth place.

Rather, it's a search. It's a way of becoming. It's a spirit quest. It's a bridge into your child's future.

The steps might look the same -- classes, summer experiences, that role in the play, a spot on the team. But replace that imaginary scorecard with openness and curiosity -- and the stress starts to evaporate.

Moreover, it allows your child to focus on what's actually important -- and what will help them make good decisions about colleges. As a happy side effect, it will help colleges see why they should make your child a part of their class.

And here's where a knowledgeable and thoughtful guide can really help. Through repeated, structured moments of introspection about all the choices of high school, we can:

• start thinking about major choice based on projects in current classwork

• not only try out new activities, but draw concrete inferences about what you do and don't like about them

• identify and record significant learning experiences as they happen

Once it comes time to talk about colleges, your kiddo is then able to focus on what they want from their future college experience. And they can craft a compelling, authentic, focused application because they've been learning about themselves -- and how to articulate what makes them tick -- for several years.

Their applications will be stronger. But more importantly, they'll be able to pick a place where they will really grow and blossom through the next four years of their life.